


Oh It's A Dull Life

by Scarleystars



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (Movies)
Genre: James Bond is a title inherited by each and every 007, Lara and Bond are two sides of the same coin but not in a romantic way like merlin and arthur, Lara mocks everything, Q is an asshole genius
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-25
Updated: 2013-04-23
Packaged: 2017-12-03 14:47:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/699409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarleystars/pseuds/Scarleystars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bond and Lara have a History. Back when Bond was simply Alex West; 'archaeologist' for hire and undercover agent for his majesty's government.<br/>Now Queen and Country need them both on the job, but whilst everyone thinks they've rekindled old flames, acting lord and lady of the manor, Q's crush has gotten maybe just a little bit out of control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The beast that I lie beneath is coming in

**Author's Note:**

> Title and chapter titles are all lyric from Dull Life by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs which strikes me as a very Bond song [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGKefxnyT6E]

Alex West took up the mantle of James Bond on a cold Friday morning. He celebrated by drowning a man in a bathroom sink. The second kill that granted him double-oh status was exceedinly easier. It was always the top dogs that felt the need to monologue and shooting the bastard had been a relief; he was honestly tired of people who wouldn't shut up.

A year later when MI6 needed someone to convince Lady Lara Croft to take on a job for Queen and County, M at the time in all her spot-on insight, did not even consider Commander Bond for the job. After all, _007_ had no knowledge of the esteemed tomb raider. Alex West had. Alex West had been half in love with her; the thing was, Alex West didn’t exist anymore.

The illuminati had been hard to infiltrate. It had been the longest undercover operation he'd ever done; the building up of a reputation fearsome enough to satisfy them had taken months, and he had crossed paths with Lady Croft twice before his employment with Powell.  For all it had been a difficult mission, the accent had been easy to fake though.

She was everything he would later emulate as a double-oh: Seductive, arrogant, and superlatively competent. He may be an unrepentant chauvinist, but by her own accounts, she is no lady.

The only thing she was missing to be the best agent in the world was _unquestioning_ loyalty to queen and country and a lack of family.  Her daddy issues and thrill-seeking complex would have complimented her as an agent. Bond supposed if they’d tried to recruit her straight after her military service, -like they’d done with him- she’d have snapped up the chance. But they’d waited, and she’d found her family in Bryce and Hillary and MI6 lost their window.

Privately he thought, if he is a dog, chained up and trained to bite on command, then she must be a big cat, even when collared she could never be truly owned. She'd purr or bite completely according to her own moods that only the ones who loved her for it would be able to predict.

 

The moment they all set foot in the planetarium, it became the weirdest job to date that he'd ever worked.

He's pretty sure he died in there.

He remembers the knife, then the water, and staring up at Lara's face, certain of his fate, as she kissed him that very last time.

Then all of a sudden he remembered the knife going towards Powell. He thinks she must have known about his SIS training and his duty to get as many people out alive; so when she told him to "get them out of there" he left because if anyone could understand the need to finish the job and get revenge, it was he.

It was after "the Powell job" (as it was written on the files) that he was first considered for double-oh training.

  

He heard about the Cradle and Lara's sacrifice fresh off his own Vesper heartbreak. Part of him thought it was fitting they both got betrayed at the same time. If James had been of a poetic and romantic inclination, he would have said something about how their natures were twinned. Instead he was just glad whatshisname was dead. Good soldier before deserted his men of course. But too much of a liability, and reminded him of the double-oh-six fiasco. No one in their right mind wanted Terry Sherridan wandering around selling his services to anyone with enough cash to hire him, let alone anyone at MI6. He was just sorry that Lara was the one who had to dispatch him.

 

He thought of her staying behind to fight her father's demons in the planetarium, as he drove up to Scotland with a terse M for company and Q weaving them a false trail for Silva to follow. He would fight M's demons without question.

 


	2. Step slowly, you know that you fall between

The first time she met Commander Bond was two years after Skyfall. Brought into MI6 headquarters, she was faced with an intimately familiar face

"Alex West" the tone was fond and warm, "you scrub up exceedingly well."

"It’s Bond now, James Bond." came the equally warm reply. "You look stunning as well Lara, is the distracting dress so they don’t realize you're still armed under there?"

The guards startled, and Lara gave out an insincere "ooops" and surrendered her state-of-the-art polyfibre knife strapped to her thigh.” You sound better without the offensive American drawl" Bond was generous and didn't call her out on the other one, and she smirked at him to show she thanked him for it.

He smirked back "I know." Really, Alex West or James Bond, he was the same man she knew.

She raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow,  "so will you be giving me the grande tour?" Bond looked at M who nodded slightly. "I would be glad to. Maybe you can fill me in on what you're doing here on the way." He held out his arm and with a look of amusement, she accepted. They both knew that it would be an even match if it ever came down to a fight, they'd both been too broken by the world to trust each other just like that, even (and especially because of) their history, but it didn’t hurt to pretend for a little while. It amused them both too much.

Eve blinked when the door opened to admit double-oh seven arm in arm with Lady Croft, smiling together like old friends. 'Bloody hell, Bond moves quickly' was her first thought. Followed closely by '...or was it perhaps the other way around?' both of which were wiped out by the twinned glances of 07 and Croft. No one was doing the seducing there, she decided as they walked past. They were like two predators in an advantageous partnership. She shuddered deliciously at the thought of what they'd do to their prey, and had to cross her legs as she calmed down.

 

They stopped at Q branch after Lara expressed an interest in his palm-printed Walther (his seventh so far) and he promised to introduce her to its architect.

"Q." The pair strode in, perfectly in sync, to be faced with chaos in double-oh seven's favourite branch.

"Not now James" snapped a very tense Quartermaster furiously typing.

He'd been having a bad enough day before Bond and the woman he assumed must be Lara Croft waltzed into his domain. Some little amateur was trying to hack his files. It was gutsy, and if they succeeded, he supposed he'd have to hire them (just like the last Q had hired him when he'd done exactly the same thing) but his hacker was making a whole load of sloppy mistakes that were frankly insulting, and it was fraying his temper. Their arrival like lord and lady of the manor was only making it worse.

He'd read Bond's file of course, he knew the history they shared, but every glance between them was just fuel on the funeral pyre for him. And then they settled in to watch "the genius at work" as Bond had called him. (He tried to feel better at that, and failed dramatically. He was being peacocked in front of _her_ for Bond's sake. There was nothing to feel better about.)

It was then that his hacker made a blinding mistake, and Q pounced, shutting down their computers remotely, and wiping their hardrives, leaving nothing but a 45KG word document detailing all the ways they had failed.

It was also then that Lady Croft drawled out the word "fascinating." and Q's temper snapped.

"Do you mind?" he whirled around to where she was sat on a desk, Bond by her side grinning just as wide. "I'll have you know I could erase your entire life's savings, in fact your very _existence_ with the touch of a button, in my pajamas before my first cup of earl grey."

Whereas Bond's response had enthused him about the way things would be between them, Croft's just rankled. She tried to look sincere in a way that really didn’t look sincere at all. Q just knew she was laughing at him. "And would they be terribly _cute_ pajamas?"   
Bond burst out laughing and Q decided vindictively that he'd finally found a test subject for the latest Branch prototype, the one that fired the extrapenatrative rounds, but had a tendency to misfire and blow up the one using it nine times out of ten.   
"What does it matter? You'd cease to exist, and thus not be in a position to admire them."

She turned to bond. "I can see why you keep him around, Ale-James. And my, that will take some getting used to."

And how _are_  Bryce and Captain Hillary?" Bond cut in flawlessly as Q gave up and stomped off to find some tea and his sense of inner calm.

"Hillary is perfect, as always. And I _really_ must bring Bryce here, he'd love it." she replied. "Or, on second thoughts I'd never get him out again so maybe not." Bond just smirked and led her to the double-ohes plush lounge when it was clear Q wasn’t going to reappear.

"So James, it seems I made your Quartermaster quite jealous back there."

Bond's blue eyes positively sparkled. "He'll survive, Scotch?"

She inclined her head "please" and like that the subject was dropped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter might take a long while (I still have to write it, and I like to have the chapter after written before I post the next one, so..)   
> But poor Q having a bad day. And Lara being insincere and amused.


	3. Step slowly, you know that you fall between

Now the pleasantries were out of the way, business was to be attended. “someone has stolen the Palladium from Her Majesty.” Claimed Lara once they’d drank.  
James blinked. “The statue that stopped the Greeks invading Illium for a while before the Trojan war?”  
Lara’s grin was Cheshire-full. “Looks like someone’s cover affected them more than anyone thought! We’ll make a respectable bounty hunter of you yet.” She teased.  
With a roll of his eyes, James replied  “I read the Iliad at Eton just like everybody else, thank-you. The Aeneid too. Which, talking of that, wasn’t the Palladium supposed to be in Italy, squirreled away in the vaults of the Vatican somewhere?”

Lara hummed, “That’s what we all thought too, but apparently it was ‘rescued’ when the Temple of Vesta was burned during the Great Fire of Rome, and brought to England.” She flipped open the file M had given her “For a long time it was kept safe in Ireland, and then during World War Two It toured all the major costal cities as a last ditch attempt to keep the Germans at bay. According to this, it’s carried on touring the kingdom ever since.”  
  
“It’s most recent destination was Edinburgh.” Q picked up as he entered the room, a paragon of professionalism at last. “The armoured car was full of four guards who did not know what they were guarding. It was ambushed just over the Scottish border at a petrol station just off the A74. We have little intel on who stole it, and hardly any information on the Palladium itself either; for once our government’s covered it’s tracks so well even MI5 doesn’t know the damned statue’s rotation.  
“So glad you could join us, Q.” replied Bond, amused by the thin man’s rant.  
“Yes, well.” Q pushed his glasses further up his face. “It seems I will be accompanying you to the Scottish Branch, and conducting your mission from there. So, we best all get packed. Bond, Lady Croft.” He nodded at each of them in turn and then was about to walk out when Lara called out  
“-Q, how do you know that MI5 aren’t lying?”  
He turned. “I hacked into all of their files to make sure. They aren’t. I’m not incompetent Lady Croft.”  
Lara smiled at him. “No, I can see that you most definitely aren’t.”

 

* * *

 

“Really Q.” floated Bond’s voice to where his Quartermaster had already installed himself at the centre of the Edinburgh unit “out of all your questionable fashion choices, what exactly is _this_ little number?”  
Q was about to reply with a scathing retort about how not everyone had the frame to pull off Dunhill or frankly the _want_ to be stuck in a suit and tie every day, and really one wants to be comfortable on an six-hour train journey -but unexpectedly, Lara came to his defense.  
“Oh come on Ale- James, it’s not like you haven’t worn worse. Do I have to remind you of that frankly horrible floral shirt?”  
Suddenly Q was all ears. “What’s this? I admit I had thoughts that double-oh-seven was all but born in Tom Fords."  
“So you DO know fashion. That comes as a surprise.” Mumbled Bond, ignored by both his companions.

Lara grinned. “ I have the pictures somewhere to prove it. It was horrible. The kind of polyester that should never come in contact with skin.”

“Hey!” Bond protested, “It fitted my cover. Now can we focus on the mission before I regret introducing you two?”  
Q grinned; sure Bond would not bring up his polo-neck jumper and jeans again for at least a while. “You’re going on a scavenger hunt to the site of the theft in an attempt to find out anything about the people who took the Palladium. I know, below your pay grade usually,” he continued before Bond could protest “But this whole mission is more than top secret so we’ll all have to be doing any legwork ourselves. You’ll each get an earwig so I can communicate with you, plus Bond, a few upgrades to your gun, and for you Lady Croft, a state-of-the-art camera with the option to act as a flash grenade if you press this button here, as I gather you already have weapons to your liking.”  
Q handed over the things he had specified. “You’re heading out to Lockerbie. Happy hunting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the delay! Uni work has been soaking up all my creativity recently. But I should be able to get the next chapter out relatively quicker than this one, so. :)


	4. Hiatus announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I am an idiot who suddenly has no time to do anything, and honestly this is the last time I write fic and start posting before it's finished because I always knew how this would end. but yeah. as a peace offering here have all the bits I HAVE written just nothing in between said snippets. /o\

Q could hear Croft's resident technologist complaining from his little bubble of coding headspace. "But Lara why are we here? MI6 could handle this one all on their own just fine, this isn't one of your 'saving the world' adventures, just spy work."

Croft's voice was silky, cryptic, and meant to carry. "Let’s just say... I want to see a friend happy."

Bryce had no such compulsion "What, Alex West? I thought you and he were..."

"That was when he was Alex. Now he is James."

Q tried so hard to look like he wasn't listening as she turned to stare at him.

* * *

 

Lara started hassling him about Skyfall as they walked across the tunnel “I saw the auction papers. It’s a lovely house. I was tempted to buy it myself. But still. Now I could give you the name of a good decorator if you wish.” She sounded barely out of breath as they started climbing again.   
“It’s a bit fire gutted at the moment Lara. Not sure a lick of paint or new carpets would cover it.”  
Lara hummed. “I bet your Q could give you a few tips as to getting things like acid burns out of carpets if that’s what you’re so worried about.”

“Extra fibres and Polygoturmis.” Agreed Q down the comms. There was a short pause wherein Lara tried not to giggle, and then Bond broke it by asking “and how exactly do you know that, Q? Take your work home with you often do you? Not very regulation is that.”  
They both heard the tinny sound of Q snorting. “Please, double-oh-seven. _Do_ give me more credit than that. My cousin was always fond of explosions as a way to get out of the annual family photograph. I got quite good at clearing up Sher- I mean his messes. As well as repairing half-melted cameras.”  
“I learn something new about you every day.” Was Bond’s only reply, leaving Q to wonder what exactly he meant by that.

   

* * *

 

Bond was smoking on the rooftop. Smoking away his tension. "You're not as broken as you believe, James," came the dulcet tones of his friend. His head snapped up to look at her "Yeah? And how would you know? Alex West was a cover. I am a different man. Darker. More shadows. More blood on my hands."

She came up and stood beside him, forcing him to look away from his hands. Her gaze was assessing. "You could have shot me on that waterfall. I've read your files." He tried to ignore the whiplash sensation that resulted from her words. "I read about Vesper, and Severine, and all those long lines of women who have loved you and died." He flinched with every name. "And you could have shot me, but you didn't."

He protested. "I didn't have the license to kill, i wasn't a double-oh back then-"

She raised an eyebrow and he went silent. "Your mission brief was to stay within the circle of Mr Powell and make sure he had no compunctions to where your loyalty lied. Shooting me would have been excusable. But you didn't." They sat in silence for another second, before Lara got up to go. He called her back as she got to the door.

"I read _your_ file too Lara." He let the words carry, just loud enough for her to hear it. She stilled and turned eyes glittering. "For what it's worth, he was a decent man..."she snorted and he smiled humorously "well. As decent as a man in this game can be. I'm sorry it ended that way."

Her lips were dangerously close to a pout. "And so am I." 

* * *

 

"I went to Uni here you know." People had a habit of sneaking up on Bond whilst he was on rooftops this mission, he thought wryly before turning to his Quartermaster to show he was actually listening. "I studied Music."

Bond looked at him shocked, "what, no computer sciences?" Q's smile was fond. "No, my parent's thought computers were a fad that would crash and burn. But I got a first in my degree anyway. I happen to be particularly talented as a pianist."

Bond shook his head, "is there anything you _can't_ do?"

"I'm not very good at controlling my emotions, it seems" Q offered as the proverbial olive branch.

"Welcome to MI6" muttered Bond, "home to all the emotionally constipated dangerous people in England who _haven't_ gone off the rails yet."

Q chuckled. "When my parents died, I had just finished my degree. So I rented a space from this vile little man, and lost myself in composing. Every morning I would climb the steps to the Scott Monument and watch the sunrise whilst enjoying my first cigarette. Back then; nothing mattered to me except finishing my sextet. I don't know what I would have done if someone had actually let me continue that way."

Bond's curiosity was on fire, "what happened?"

"My grandmother tracked me down." Q replied fondly. "She had watched me express interest in computers as a child and it was then that she told me that my grandfather had worked at MI6. -Of course I was shocked, he was such a _normal_ person, not someone who _looked_ like a national hero-" and of _course_ Bond caught on to the nuances of that sentence  "-or had traveled the world several times over.

She told me to enlist, and find some purpose. She actually told me that my grandfather still had some clout there, and he could get me a job if I so desired." he paused. "I declined."

James was itching to know, "what did you do then?"

Q turned to him "I spent a year polishing my skills whilst traveling around the world, and then I hacked into M's personal server and planted my application on her hard-drive before leaving without a trace of being inside the system at all." Q's eyes were mischievous, for all his tone was matter-of-fact and Bond burst out laughing. "Oh Q."

"Look Bond, I think I've been going about this entirely the wrong way here." said Q with some urgency "just, listen alright? I know your past, and now you know some of mine. I _think_ I can garner some of your reservations about this, and whilst some of them might be worth the consideration, I don't think that should stop us from trying completely. Because" and he ducked his head in embarrassment "well I've rather taken a fancy to you, and I'm afraid no-one else will do."

 

* * *

 

 Bond sent her a large bouquet of flowers.

Q sent her a pair of her favourite Heckler & Koch guns with the extra capability to become high-powered lasers.

Lara raised an eyebrow when Hillary delivered both presents to her solar and grinned. "Fascinating."


End file.
